Hating My Own Reflection

I’ve been wanting to write about this for a while now, but had some trouble thinking of the right words to convey it. Plus this has been a busy, crappy week, plus Thanksgiving. So sorry for the lateness with this one. In fact, Thanksgiving has given me even more inspiration for it.

I’m sure we’ve all had days where we’re insecure about something. Whether it be the way we look, how we do things, certain habits or personality traits we possess, art we create (music, writing or whatever) and so on. Days where we think “you know what, maybe i’m not that talented” or “maybe i’m not as intelligent as I think I am” or, on a deeper level, “maybe i’m a piece of shit”. Sometimes we feel ugly or mundane or idle, sometimes we question what the hell we’re doing with our lives, sometimes we wonder what the people in our lives really think about us, or what strangers see when we walk down the street. Now for some, that may be a once in a while thing, but for others, like myself, it’s every goddamn day. I hope this doesn’t come off as a ‘whiny’ post or whatever, but just bare with me here.

I’ve always hated the way I look for the most part. I know I was never the best looking fellow in town and I never thrived to be, but every now and then comes the wonderful moment of taking lovely family photos that i’ll never see because looking at them would make me cringe. Or the small instance of walking past a mirror and catching a glimpse of myself. Ahhh yes (most effective when wearing a dumb casual family-gathering outfit). As I said, Thanksgiving this year gave me more inspiration I needed to write this piece. Other sources of inspiration include taking a ‘selfie’ (God, I hate that word) that I think at first is okay, and ending up cringing at it at second glance. It’s kind of a vicious cycle in a way. It’s maddening.

Another thing about myself that makes me want to write this is something a lot of people on the internet claim to have nowadays, but I can actually attest to for myself. The dreaded ‘everybody hates me’ syndrome. Call it social anxiety, awkwardness, paranoia or whatever the fuck you may. I’m not going to self-diagnose myself because i’m not an idiot, but it is something I’ve dealt with for years now. Self-confidence was never one of my strong suits to begin with, but in recent years, as I continue to lead the hermit life (by choice, fuck people), It gets harder and harder just to go to the damn grocery store to pick up milk. I get invited to a few local shows here and there (most of which suck, because the music scene here sucks) but actually throwing on my hoodie and going has become a rarity. Is it BECAUSE I barely ever go out? Is it BECAUSE of my aforementioned insecurities? Or is it because of something deeper, like existential dread? Fuck if I know, but it’s a hole I definitely need to work my way out of. If I can at this point.

Will this be something i’ll get over? Maybe. Will it be anytime soon? Doubt it. Again, this isn’t meant to be a whiny, bitchy post, just a personal analysis of sorts. I criticize people for a lot of shit, but social anxiety isn’t one of them because I’ve been there. Being insecure isn’t one of them because I’ve been there. It’s ruined relationships and led to a lot of awkward interactions. It sucks. But again, it’s something I have to work on by myself.

This is just something I’ve wanted to talk about on here real quick. I’m not gonna make this a massive rant (more of those coming, best believe). Just something I had to get out onto these pages. I tried to word this best I could. So hopefully i’ve conveyed it in a good enough way. Social anxiety sucks. Hating the way you look sucks, but so does life as a whole. So fuck it, right? Right.

At least the music I listen to is as ugly as I am.

Until next time.

-Scvm

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