There are bands on this planet that I just don’t care for, for various reasons, whether it be because their sound or style just doesn’t do it for me or i’m just not a fan of their respective genre. Then there are bands who I think suck. I don’t pay them any attention, I just scoff whenever I see their name pop up and go on with my day. Most of those bands aren’t annoyingly popular nor do they have a fanbase of insufferable cretins who put them on an unnecessary pedestal that deprives better bands of attention while they hog the spotlight, so it’s whatever.
Then there are these bands.
These 6 bands that i’m about to tackle ARE guilty of those offences and DO either have an appeal that the majority clings onto or have fanbases of clueless, autistic buffoons who blow so much unwarranted smoke up their asses that if anyone dares utter a single opposing sentence in there direction, out come the torches and pitchforks and you best prepare for your hanging… or at least your digital crucifixion.
So let’s just get this over with. These are those 6 bands.
The 5 ‘mysterious’ costume-dawning, gimmick-relying goofs from Sweden who I briefly ripped on in my last Random Recs post while talking about the far superior Uncle Acid & the Deadbeats are the first entries on this list. Over The last 5 or so years, Ghost have taken the Metal & Hard Rock world by storm by fooling a bunch of naive imbeciles in both of those scenes with their lame ‘mystique’ and needlessly elaborate live shows while trudging out some of the most generic, boring and idle “Occult Rock” that a bunch of poorly versed ignoramuses wrongfully classify as “Doom Metal”. DOOM METAL.
I don’t mean to sound like a pompous elitist nerd here, but if you actually think the product these hacks are selling you is Doom, you’re either young and new to this form of music (been there, trust me) or one of those casual listeners who only listens to this form of music while visiting your Metalhead cousin for Thanksgiving. Ghost is a decent at best band who used their flashy gimmick as a crutch to get to where they are now and without it, they’d be just another decent Rock band who swings from Coven’s nuts. They’re not Doom, they’re a cheap imitation of it. Hopefully you’ll realize it when you’re older and realize YouTube and music blogs are your friend.
Speaking of cheap imitations, Mastodon is next. These guys have been at the top of the world of Sludge and Southern Style Doom for the last good number of years now, without actually playing a lick of what could be classified as either of those genres. The two bearded buffoons, along with the other two skinny, clean shaven buffoons are known for their ‘proggy’ style of what some consider ‘Stoner Sludge’ or ‘Doom’ or whatever. When compared, however, to the likes of High on Fire, Soylent Green or even Eyehategod, it’s pretty substandard. I wouldn’t place Mastodon anywhere near the same class as those acts or even include them in the same conversation. This is another case of a band being put on a pedestal by naive youngsters and given far too much credit for something done far better and by far more bands before them.
Mastodon is just another boring, overhyped, second rate act who, much like Ghost, plays a cheap knockoff of a certain genre and gets wrongfully classified as such as a result. Once again, YouTube is your friend, young bucks and clueless mooks.
When you can easily compare one fanbase to another, it’s rarely a good thing. Almost never.
Carach Angren is a band that i’ve gotten flamed for ripping on on Twitter and called an elitist and a misogynist by fat, pseudo-intellectual, Social Justice Warriors dollar store-Goths a while back, because I said that they’re the only Black Metal band with Tumblr fangirls who call them their ‘Daddies’ and create disturbing fanfictions and fanart and spam their followers’ dashboards with dolled up pictures of them and pictures of other bands like HIM & Cradle of Filth. Basically in short, Carach Angren is Black Metal for Tumblr Goths and lovesick Ville Valo-worshiping teenagers. Bam Margera probably loves them too.
On top of that, they play a style of Black Metal that i’m already not fond of, but even worse. Symphonic Black Metal was never my thing (except maybe for Lymbonic Art), but if it were, these three experts in American Horror Story-level ghost and paranormal storytelling would be at the bottom of my fucking barrel. Their sound is a showcase of some of the most artificial sounding keyboards ever put on record that they rely on far too much, poorly toned guitars, weak, almost inaudible drumming, crappy vocals and topped off with the cheesiest of visuals and aesthetics that one can only subject their eyes & ears too so much in life.
So, basically, Carach Angren is yet another sideshow act only for the ears of the cretins mentioned above. If you want to flame me for it, go ahead. It’ll change my opinion on them just as much as the losers on Twitter did. In other words, it won’t.
By the way…
Everybody point and laugh!
What can I say? One of the most overrated bands in the entire history of Thrash, one of the most repetitive and painfully generic bands in existence who have been releasing the exact same album since 1983 and one of the 4 bands that make up the superficial, circle jerk brigade known as the “Big 4”, the other 3 being the just as overrated and generic Megadeth, Anthrax & Metallica. I understand they’re influence on the Thrash and general Metal landscape as a whole, but to call them the ‘greatest’ and give these 4 groups the moniker The Big 4 while other and far superior bands who have been around for just as long as they have like Exodus, Kreator, Sodom, Testament, Destruction, ect exist? To me, that’s always been absurd. Slayer, in my opinion offers up just a modicum of what Thrash as a whole has to offer. The fact that they, to this very day, sit on a pedestal higher than the twin towers stacked on top of one-another thanks to a bunch of greasy, closed-minded mutants who don’t know anything beyond 1985 proves absolutely nothing.
Slayer isn’t the most successful because they’re the best, they’re the most successful because they’re the most popular. To me, at this point, they’re nothing more than a nostalgia act for those aforementioned greasy old cretins who ignore everything else outside the so-called Big 4. Nostalgia doesn’t mean talent. The same repetitive 12 albums with the same repetitive riffs over and over again and with the same tired yelling over and over again doesn’t mean talent. It mean you’ve conned people into thinking you were the be-all, end-all of Thrash for over three decades and for that, bravo! But when it comes to who brought the better brand of Thrash over those last 30-plus years, you and the rest of the self-proclaimed Big 4 reside at the bumbfuck bottom of my list… or not even on my list at all.
When a band starts out great, only to become too ambitious for their own good and ultimately get caught up in their own self-fellating ego and become a boring, mediocre shell of their former selves as a result, it’s sad. What’s even worse, is when as a result of that, not only do we get a bunch of overproduced, self-serving piles of polished turds (like Evangelion & The Satanist), but the majority appeal of the band delves more into the realm of insufferable, fawning imbeciles like the ones mentioned in the Carach Angren bit.
Behemoth are another victim of what I call the Tumblr bug, where the direction they take musically and aesthetically leads them into the fandom territory of those aforementioned dollar store goth, daddy issues having SJWs who, if the opportunity presented itself, they would run on stage, yank Nergal’s pants off and suck him off for the entire onlooking crowd to bear witness to. Once again, I know they exist because I’ve dealt with them online as well. Say one thing about the band they have a shrine of in their closet and suddenly it’s World War 3. Part of this can be attributed to Adam “Nergal” Darski himself and his pompous, rockstar ways that he seemed to undertake in the later years of Behemoth’s existence. Especially after his bout with Leukemia in 2010. The Polish pretty boy of Blackened Death Metal has not only transformed physically into someone I wouldn’t want to associate with by just looking at him, but also regurgitates his holier than thou swagger allover his artistic presentation, including the band that got him to the dance in the first place.
Behemoth used to be great. Starting out as a really good Black Metal band who brought forth 2 really good albums, then delved into more Blackened Death territory and met that with success for a while, with albums like Thelma 6, Zos Kia Kultus & Demigod. I can’t hate on those albums too much. After that, the production got cleaner, the sound got duller and it all just fell apart. Nowadays, I just can’t get into anything Behemoth brings to the table. There is plenty of better Blackened Death Metal that isn’t completely full of itself available if you search long and hard enough. When it comes to the polish pretty boys, however (had to say it again), it just doesn’t do justice for me.
Cannibal Corpse (w/ George Fisher)
We all know and love the 4 classics that Cannibal Corpse gave us in the early 90s when Chris Barnes was at the helm. The raw, filthy, gory, and vicious brand of Death Metal that they were capable of in their heyday. Some of the best Death Metal albums ever made and ones that helped put the genre on the map. Then 1995 came along and Chris Barnes split from the group due to musical differences. Enter George “Corpsegrinder” Fisher, the giant, thick-necked mongoloid that would take over and remain to this very day. From then on, a snowball effect would commence that would roll the band down the hill into a ditch of dullness and repetitiveness as they took on a more polished style of generic, insipid, pseudo-technical Death Metal that would only get worse as the years went on and albums came about.
I’m not going to totally trash these guys because unlike the previous entrants, they don’t have a fanbase of knuckle-dragging mutants attached to them or an ego the size of 10 Godzillas. They just play a style of Death Metal I just can’t get into and don’t get the appeal of. I also realize that the change may have been inevitable and needed anyway, considering Chris Barnes isn’t anywhere near what he used to be and especially seeing where he is now. Not pretty. I’m sure they’re cool dudes either way.
I’ve always said that Cannibal Corpse are the Metallica of Death Metal. The first 4 albums were great, they lost an important member, then it went all downhill from there. Sad but true.
Well, needless to say, I won’t be reviewing any of these band’s albums anytime soon. Maybe I will, but it will only be for shits & giggles if I do. I do love verbally tearing things to shreds, so who knows. For now, however, just enjoy my verbal shred tearing of the bands themselves that I present to you today.
And remember, i’m not sorry.
Until next time.